I remember the staff accompanist at CSU Hayward, Marcia Murray. Marcia lived down the street from me. I would see her at the school, always hammering away at the grand piano, receiving the procession of musicians who came to her studio. Her job was to see that each music major was in performance shape. She was like a machine, never resting, never stopping, working at all hours of the day and night.

I remember chatting with Marcia one night outside the theatre. She was fast approaching retirement. I asked what she planned to do with herself. Her reply was unflinching. “I am going to sell my piano, and never play a note ever again.” She was dead serious. Her bluntness shocked me. As I made my way home that night, I wondered what it must be like to feel that way about music. I hoped I never would.

As far as I know, Marcia kept her word. She left music behind forever. When she had died, I thought about what she said to me that night.

And here I am now. After 40 years in church ministry, I retired last January. I do not regret making the decision to call it quits. After many years of passionate love for the work, I was growing restless, angry, and burned out. I wanted to stop before I became Marcia Murray.

I got out, but I am left with this faith. Without the obligation of liturgical music as a “daytime job,” my spiritual life is towing me into uncharted waters. I no longer have a leadership position, or choirs, or assemblies to lead. The structured work week, the weekends of liturgies, none of these parameters exist for me today. There is no longer a singing community wrapped around me, requiring my service or inspiring my compositional craft. I feel lost without the people of God.

Completely unmoored, spiritually speaking. I have yet to settle into a prayerful rhythm. Even the concept of “holy leisure,” a cute phrase I learned at St. Meinrad, seems to escape me. How do people do this?

Lately, I have come to the conclusion that I need some help in figuring this out.. I began searching the internet for spiritual direction. Today, it seems, I have found a potential director.

More on this as the days increase.